Illusions

We went back to our family church this morning. Just a visit. At my sister's encouragement, our family almost filled three pews. As a matter of fact, I think our family was about half the attendance this morning. Maybe not, but close.

They had a special speaker this morning. She shared that she had a very rough first 40 years, yet she doesn't regret it. I didn't get the impression she and I had the same circumstances at all, but she does appear to look at her tough years like I do mine...they were preparation for the rest of her life. She has moved on, those years have made of her a better witness and a better person.

Sometimes I look at how much I've grown and I feel ready to take on whatever God might want of me. I feel strong; I feel destiny pulling me toward the road ahead. Then I'll say or do something stupid and I know it's all just an illusion. I realize just how little I've actually grown, and I'll spend the rest of the day miserably aware that I will never be what I want to be. I question whether God could ever use me at all. I feel destined to nothingness.

*sigh* I know that all God wants is for us to live each day for itself, listening for His voice in the smallest of circumstances. I guess it's human nature for us to aspire to greatness. I guess, in the end, it's just human pride.